I Was Cured All Right….
No, you’re not hallucinating gentle reader – I am finally back from an unanticipated sojourn to the medical wilderness of East London and it’s been quite an unexpectedly brutal experience. As you may have gathered from the digital tumbleweeds blowing through this quiet corner of the internet my ankle injury was a little more serious than anticipated, I’ve been treated at the NHS’s pleasure for the past fortnight having fractured my left ankle in a trio of excruciating tears through an act of sensational clumsiness that would have had Chaplin squealing with delight. I won’t bore you with the Kafkaesque medical nightmare I have endured over the past couple of weeks, a painful combination of sterile sorcery including the likes of ketamine, needles, laughing gas and morphine to keep me on my toes (or not as the case may be), suffice to say when the fracture unit of a major capital city – and let’s be clear that these are medical professionals whose job it is to treat injuries of this nature each and every day of their lengthy careers – when they gazed upon my wounds and immediately paled, began to silently weep, casting their eyes heavenward, clasping their hands together in silent prayer and meekly muttered ‘there is no god’ then I think it’s fair to say I managed to injure myself quite spectacularly. Never do things by half, that’s my motto….
No, I didn’t wake up to some post holocaust dystopian future, isn’t that the point of getting sectioned in a central London hospital these days? Stupid reality. In any case I’m back amongst the land of the living, convalescing at my parents with strict instructions of house rest for the next six weeks which gives me plenty of time to think things over. It’s funny how your life can irrevocably change overnight isn’t it? One second I’m worrying about a report I need to write for Tuesday and that panel I need to chair on Wednesday, then the next thing you know just going to take a piss has become an individual militaristic operation of asset deployment, stamina, balance and patience, it certainly puts things into perspective. Alas this means no cinema visits until May at the earliest, this quite distressingly clashes with my Sundance UK plans at the end of April but we’ll see how the regeneration progresses, if push comes to shove I might just aim for some screeners to at least produce some thin veneer of coverage. In hospital I have been considering what I could do to fill the time in lieu of any new releases, firstly I need to draw a final veil over the David Lynch season, I have my Casablanca review to construct, I need to make a start on my $ trilogy project and maybe, just maybe a certain neglected promise needs to be resurrected, with a detailed review of the second film in a series which sees its final installment arising in July. In the interim I’ve also collected the half-dozen or so new Blu-Rays I ordered before my incapacitating pratfall, it’s a great clutch of movies from the past twenty or so years so I may just delve into some of those to keep my intellectual motors running, but let’s get things rolling with a light, predictably obvious list post – most memorable hospital scenes – a flippant pageant which I consider limbering up to more detailed pursuits as I’m still on the pain relief and thinking too hard make Minty’s head hurt real bad;
Dead Ringers – Where else to begin than with the elite physician of surgical terror, Mr. Cronenberg was the first director who leapt to mind when it came to the hospital for obvious reasons. This is a film that actively makes me glad that I’m not a woman, just like À l’intérieur or Steel Magnolias….
Coma – With their impersonal prodding and aristocratic attitude some surgeons can seem aloof to us mere mortal weaklings, alas I was subjected to one such incident over the past few days when a cluster of inquisitive physicians came to inspect my wounds and barely acknowledged my presence, roughly scything through my cast to ponder my extremities, all the while ignoring my tremulous queries and questions. Still, they did completely patch me up in one mammoth surgical session, at one point I was looked at a full month of in-patient operations so I can’t complain too much…
Patrick – Ever since the wonderful Not Quite Hollywood emerged from down under a treasure trove of antipodean exploitation has been infecting my DVD rental lists, Patrick has more than a little of The Medusa Touch to it given the duplicate use of catatonic, homicidal psychics, when you’re lying awake at 4.00am suffering the sneering growls of your snoring ward mates the thought of some telekinetic carnage is quite appealing – if only my brain could just move that pillow over his face and apply some pressure……
Martyrs – Major spoilers beware for the end of the movie – you have been warned but hey this has been out since 2008 so make a fucking effort OK? This was one of the aforementioned Blu-Rays I recently acquired but I’m not going to produce another review, I think I said everything I wanted back during my original stab at this horrendously cruel . The ending is one of the most controlled and thought-provoking sutures of 21st century horror cinema, I’m looking forward to getting into the disk extras to see what further diagnosis will emerge…
The Dark Knight – Perhaps the most memorable hospice set scene of recent years, with the vogue for populating multiple villans in superhero movies I reckon this is the only example where such designs actually paid off in terms of the story and narrative, rather than clumsily pitting our hero against two or even three adversaries to clock up the set piece ratio the villains in The Dark Knight serve as foils to each others ambitions, arcs and drives, and they are both superbly played by Ledger and Eckhart. I still can’t believe they let him blow up a hospital in a major Hollywood production, I’m telling you them Nolan boys are fucking sick in the head…
The Ambulance – Nice bit of surfing there from Mr. Roberts, it’s funny to see the evil Gotham crime lord Maroni in a slightly more restricted, smaller budget project from the indefatigable Larry Cohen. So it looks like Nolan has enlisted Matthew Modine as his pet casting ‘Eighties actor I liked back in the day now in my A list project’ for Rises, just like he got Rutger back for Batman Begins, Berenger for Inception, and either Roberts of Anthony Michael Hall for The Dark Knight. I wonder if Ally Sheedy and Judd Nelson are yelling at their agents as we speak…
An American Werewolf In London – The first hospital scene that sprang to mind, and probably the best when it comes to humourous horror. ‘Have you ever talked to a corpse Jack? It’s boring’ – Sounds like hospital to me, whiling away the sixteen, eighteen hour days in-between sleeps with any distraction to maintain your sanity…
The Exorcist III – I’ll never forget going to see this for the second time with friends back in 1990, amusingly awaiting the popcorn to start flying during this garishly constructed cardiac inducing set-piece, it’s not exactly a Hitchcockian display of temperance and sleight of hand is it? Still, I’ll never forget the yells and screams that this sequence provoked, it still warms the desiccated husk I call a heart.
Planet Terror – A textbook Saturday night in Whitechapel’s hospital A&E ward by the looks of things, I did ask for my own M8100 recoilless appendage instead of this stupid fleshy growth at the end of my knee and this clumsy, uncamouflaged cast, apparently medical science hasn’t progressed enough to fuse heavy battle theatre support ordinance to severed limbs. Stupid science, why must you constantly thwart me so?
Blade – I did want to finish on this of course but they are all restricted links, so we’ll close with a slightly more flippant nightclub scene which I remember being quite eye-catching back in 1998. Well, the club’s called ‘The Hospital’ isn’t it? That’s my excuse anway, I think I need a lie down. All this burrowing around has reminded me to check this out which I never caught back in the day, was it any good? Should I also take a look at the American version of the same? Nurse, can I get that bed bath now??……………….
Minty's Menagerie 
Recent Comments